I’ve had a long week, had to cancel my attendance to a martial arts seminar because a varmint committed suicide by monk-mobile in the middle of the week and 70 mph (legal speed along MN Highway 2).  While I pray for guidance how to manage a multiple-thousand-dollar repair bill, I’m going to blow off steam on one of my favorite rants.

America. Is. Not. Christianity.

Let me rephrase that.

American.  Culture.  Is. Not. Christian.

I’m not talking about the gay-marriage debate, or aiming at low-hanging fruit of cultural accommodation like female clergy and the total abandonment of God’s means of grace in the sacraments.

I’m talking about “Good Christian Culture” in the US of A; the Focus on the Family, meat-eating, gun-owning, good people culture, not those easily targeted paganism-lite types that we can point fingers at (for as long as the first verses of Romans 2 don’t go through our heads, but since they have never made a Hallmark special or a Veggie Tales about those uncomfortable verses, that means we can point fingers for a good long time).

Yes, I ended that sentence with a preposition.  (#Simul, yo!)

As a matter of fact I’m going to sit down and give you the honest American application of critical passages of scripture as they are presented in our culture.  I’m not going to make a single one of these up.  All of these examples have been explicitly stated or I have seen them applied.  You can compare and contrast them with the actual verses using the citations I’m including.

Let’s just get started with the basics:

Our father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
Your kingdom come for me and mine and your will be done to those miserable sinners over there on earth as it is in heaven, at least the easy bits.  Sure your actual kingdom would have murderers and murder victims forgiven and sharing fellowship under the same grace, and that’s really extreme so not that sort of impossible bits, and not so much that we give up drunkenness, lust, pornhub.com, recreational marijuana, sex before marriage, greed, pride, or the sins that feel good.  But totally make the other guy fit into your will, and give me the grace to keep on sinning.  Praise the Lord and pass the anti-Muslim petition and some Vaseline before I try and run my  YouTube channel past 1,000 subscribers.
Give us this day our daily bread, a dream destiny, an automobile, a cell phone, a spouse, sexual gratification, 2.5 children, about $20,000 more income, a retirement portfolio that outperforms inflationary indices, Neflix streaming without buffering, and Facebook friends.
And forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us in little and socially acceptable ways, not as we forgive our evil psycho ex-girlfriend/boyfriends, terrorists, homosexual activists, the school bully, my child’s evil 6th grade teacher from four years back, purveyors of other faiths, the a__hole who cut me off in traffic Tuesday, the gossip at work, or the sex offender scum who need be put in leper colonies and raped to death, white supremacists, Black Lives Matter, or anyone who voted for and/or supports a member of the other political party this election season.
And lead us not into temptation, beyond third base, little white lies to those who trust us, and all the other temptations we’ve become comfortable friends with, because honestly, Lord, we already know the way there and we don’t need a guide.
But deliver us from the evil one.  For yours is the kingdom, and the power that we claim for our dream destinies, and the glory that we want to be easily visible in our earthly lives.
I know this will be so as long as we vote correctly and teach our kids from Answers In Genesis or all is surely lost.

For unless you say you forgive and then cast out of your life completely those who sin against you, your father will not forgive and reconcile with you.  But if you do not forgive and excommunicate others who sin against you, your father will still totally forgive and accept you in exactly the opposite way.
-Real verses: Matthew 6:8-14

Bless those who persecute you unless they’re really effective at it, or use sex, drugs, political pressure, or high explosives, then you can curse them.  Rejoice with those who rejoice, and avoid those who would burden your dream destiny with drama or emotional hardship, because if you don’t choose to be with positive people you can’t have a positive life.  Live in harmony with one another, by disassociating yourself from all those who differ from you.  Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly of your own socioeconomic status, legal status, and ethic sub-type.  Never be wise in your own sight, unless you’re comparing yourself with some of those godless heathens, Muslims, atheists, global warming advocates, homosexuals, etc.  Repay no one for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.  If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with everyone who isn’t opposing you in public, or has done you wrong, because then totally shun them, as we learned in the Americana Lord’s Prayer.  Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, and the secular court system, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” And you know he means that the cross totally didn’t repay the vengeance for their sins the way it did for yours.  To the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, you will never know.  If he is thirsty, think general positive thoughts about how you don’t hate him.  For by so doing you will have a life without drama, sacrifice, or effort.  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with shunning, ostracism, political campaigning, and military power.
-Actual verse: Romans 12:14-21

Let every evil person be subject to governing authorities for their heinous crimes, while you avoid political responsibility for your own totally innocuous and innocent ones. -Actual verse: Romans 13:1

Don’t you know that it’s totally 2 Kingdoms to take your brothers to court?!  I mean, not over little things like this list following of classical felonies that would result in life-threatening beatings, exile, and years of slavery, but if they wreck your car, sue!  Of course, no one will expect you to report your own crimes, but the crimes of others, totally…
-Actual verse 1 Corinthians 6:1-11
-Cross reference with actual Roman laws not American ones.

Jesus and Paul were totally kidding when they expressed a clear preference for celibacy among those who could handle it in Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7…  If you aren’t married, you aren’t a real man/woman even though Jesus didn’t marry either…  I mean, who do you think you are, Catholics?!

Let no one disqualify you, but avoid touching evil or pagan things, don’t play cards, or dance, masturbate, watch Game of Thrones, or listen to rock and roll music, just as our human nature tells us we shouldn’t, because that will absolutely make you holy.  Our individual prayer-walks with Jesus should be self-made and severe against our evil flesh.
-Colossians 2:16-23 says the exact opposite.

Anyone who loves father or mother as much or more than me is on the right track, because family is the core of society and without a European nuclear family there is no Christianity.  Family.  Is.  God.
-Actually, the opposite care of Matthew 10:37, though I had a practicing LCMS minister look me in the face and tell me that family is God.

He who does not work, can totally rely on the welfare state to pay for their room and board, because everyone deserves food and shelter.
-Opposed by 2 Thessalonians 3:10

I can go on, but we will never admit that we’ve screwed up really badly this far on little things, so why bother nagging about details?